Obsessive Compulsive Escapism

A friend told me last week that I was running at 110 percent. What dictates how much 100 percent actually IS, and therefore if I am exceeding it though, is subject to personal experience and opinion. For him (and I suppose many others, but not in my industry) – 100 percent is a 40 hour week. It’s a long lunch on a Friday. Its leaving the office at least once per day, for lunch, a coffee, a trip to the bank. For him, there is no weekend work, and staying late occurs a few times per month.
So therein, does that make him lazy, or me overworked? Am I battling with an inability to manage my time, or an unrealistic workload. Does he have it easy, or is he working his ass off within that locked timeframe of 40 hours?
What makes a job easy is speculative and relative. At 6pm every night, not a soul in the firm has left the office – it is de rigueur in the profession to work late. And on my many jaunts up to the 10th floor on a Sunday to catch up or get ahead for the week, the floor is littered with people working away silently.

I speculate if one actually has the capacity to operate at 110 percent, for 100 percent of the time? This week I was faced with ‘down time’ at the office, and with nothing inherently urgent, I found myself take the extreme response and withdraw completely. Why I do this, I do not know, but I know that I DO engage in this lax and negative behaviour on a cyclic basis. There are always, always things needing to be done, but when faced with an opportunity to ‘drop the pressure’, I vacate. Mentally ‘check out’.

It is this psychological response, an aversion to any work whatsoever when not under strain, that makes me think that I am a workaholic. Surely not! Especially when I have neglected to complete at least one task in three days this week! I believe I have an intrinsic shut down mechanism, a ‘switch’ that picks a time when Im not operating a workload of ‘critical mass’, and numbs my brain, preventing me from engaging in anything further. Oh just THINK of the work I could achieve if I could disable that mechanism. And boom – there it is - A desire to disable the very thing that stops me from have a debilitating and probably very public nervous breakdown. THAT, my dear reader, makes me a workaholic.

In a world of high achievers, global desire, and a ladder begging to be climbed, there seems to be no aversion in my psyche to tipping the scales of work-life balance – and that is fairly fucked up.

Amillia : non est ad astra mollis e terris via

I survived.

And I wasn’t sure if I would. Or if we would.

Ive completed my first semester back at uni since I took a year off to recover from a failed relationship, self-deprecating behaviour, and a move interstate. I feared being time poor in this new relationship. And for the second time too. The only comfort I took was that if I drove a wedge between us, we would have lost but a few months of our life together. Systematically destroying the relationship between my ex and I resulted in an agonising split after 3 years. One that tore out a piece of my soul.

I suppose it shows that Ive grown. The wisdom I have gained, and the faith I have restored. Jimmy has been immeasurable in his help. Not by any intent of action on his part, but by just being himself. Being patient with me, and understanding. And being content to stand by the wayside as I battled my own demons. Holding me when I break down with exhaustion, and by turning up on my doorstep when I cant bear to see him.

There have been many moments of confusion. Of lacking the understanding why I want him so far away, and so close. I need to be able to feel I am in control my life (it has been so badly out of control before) and needing him tells me that Im losing that control. That I cant survive it on my own – and therefore I haven’t got a grip. But why does it have to be on my own. Surely this stress is too much for one to bear? Part time university coupled with casual bar and hosting work alongside a fulltime office job, with an undercurrent of perfectionism, procrastination, and a whole lot of anxiety, leaves little time to think this through. You just do what has to be done. Head down – bum up. There are sacrifices to be made. I sacrificed the love of my life one time many years ago, was it a necessity to do it again, or have I learnt that I can have both?? I think I have wholeheartedly believed both ideals at some point or another in these past 6 months. Yes I can have a happy relationship with a man I love, while putting myself under immense pressure (and that Im not who I used to be). Or, yes... I cannot have both, and I will sacrifice (again) my sanity and happiness for the ultimate goal that Ive been fighting for. But in both of these instances, what do I lose? Reality tells us time and time again the world is not perfect and you cannot have everything. Something has got to give, and Im floundering in the shallows, hoping desperately that nothing is slipping through my fingers.

If it is, I don’t know what it is yet... I'll be ok, as long as I keep fighting.



Resilience: There is no easy way from the earth to the stars.

Please.

Sometimes Im so infatuated with you I want to merge with your soul
Sometimes, I cant stand the sound of your voice.
Sometimes your touch will heal all my pain
Sometimes, it burns like fire

I try to open my heart to you
But in the darkness, you look just like it
I try to open my mind to our possibility
But I dream of somewhere else

Your eyes are sad because you know
You hold me so tight because you know
I hold you so tight because I cant lose you
But youre slipping from my grasp

I feel like Ive learnt all you can teach me
Though what you can teach me is infinite
You give me the lessons of life
But Im not learning anymore

Take me away from here
Leave me alone
Show me the world through your eyes
But dont look at me that way.
Please not this. again.