Amillia : non est ad astra mollis e terris via

I survived.

And I wasn’t sure if I would. Or if we would.

Ive completed my first semester back at uni since I took a year off to recover from a failed relationship, self-deprecating behaviour, and a move interstate. I feared being time poor in this new relationship. And for the second time too. The only comfort I took was that if I drove a wedge between us, we would have lost but a few months of our life together. Systematically destroying the relationship between my ex and I resulted in an agonising split after 3 years. One that tore out a piece of my soul.

I suppose it shows that Ive grown. The wisdom I have gained, and the faith I have restored. Jimmy has been immeasurable in his help. Not by any intent of action on his part, but by just being himself. Being patient with me, and understanding. And being content to stand by the wayside as I battled my own demons. Holding me when I break down with exhaustion, and by turning up on my doorstep when I cant bear to see him.

There have been many moments of confusion. Of lacking the understanding why I want him so far away, and so close. I need to be able to feel I am in control my life (it has been so badly out of control before) and needing him tells me that Im losing that control. That I cant survive it on my own – and therefore I haven’t got a grip. But why does it have to be on my own. Surely this stress is too much for one to bear? Part time university coupled with casual bar and hosting work alongside a fulltime office job, with an undercurrent of perfectionism, procrastination, and a whole lot of anxiety, leaves little time to think this through. You just do what has to be done. Head down – bum up. There are sacrifices to be made. I sacrificed the love of my life one time many years ago, was it a necessity to do it again, or have I learnt that I can have both?? I think I have wholeheartedly believed both ideals at some point or another in these past 6 months. Yes I can have a happy relationship with a man I love, while putting myself under immense pressure (and that Im not who I used to be). Or, yes... I cannot have both, and I will sacrifice (again) my sanity and happiness for the ultimate goal that Ive been fighting for. But in both of these instances, what do I lose? Reality tells us time and time again the world is not perfect and you cannot have everything. Something has got to give, and Im floundering in the shallows, hoping desperately that nothing is slipping through my fingers.

If it is, I don’t know what it is yet... I'll be ok, as long as I keep fighting.



Resilience: There is no easy way from the earth to the stars.