The break is over

I did learn one important thing in the week I spent immersed in my studies. My body is like a high performance sports car, or racehorse, or fighter plane – or some other equally finely tuned machine that conjures up images of power. You get the picture.
Years ago (maybe 3 or so) I could operate on but a few hours sleep, drink heavily most nights, and entertain myself with illicit drugs – and function (or so I thought) as a normal human being. These days I have to take much more care, and prior to the end of semester I deprived myself of sleep, ordered takeaway, sucked continuously on cans of energy drink, and chose to forgo any exercise.

Prior to this, I had set myself up on a training program of my own creation. I am comfortable and confident doing this because I have done it numerous times before, I know my limits and expectations, and Ive done my research. But this was more than just exercise and diet this time around. This time I wanted to address my anxiety, my insomnia, my fatigue, and mood swings. I forked out a hefty amount of money (hey, you have to have a little faith in people) to an unremarkable genteel woman to teach me meditation as part of a class, I read books that inspired, and I extracted myself from relationships and acquaintances that were negative or draining.

But last week all of this went out the window and I allowed myself to be sucked back into the vortex. Sacrifice I guess.

But back to what I discovered;
- That a heavy session at the gym did more for my anxiety than it did for my waistline. Which is good because I don’t want to lose a lot of weight. I found that I could accumulate anxiousness throughout the day, and a good hour at the gym could dispel the knot in my stomach.
- That reducing the anxiety had a direct effect on my sleep patterns (I didnt have trouble falling asleep so much as that I wake up in the middle of the night repeatedly, or I twitch/remain taut throughout the night)
- That a decent dose of protein at lunch (lean meat in my sandwich, or tuna with my salad) went further to sustain me through the afternoon than a serving of carbohydrates. Not to mention I no longer had the sluggish post-lunch lull that I thought I needed prior to getting my carb kick for the afternoon.
- That dairy doesn’t agree with me, and I should stick to soy where possible… no more bloating!
- That training at the gym forced me to extract myself earlier from the office, because the gym shuts at 9pm, I need to get there by 8pm at the latest and therefore have to leave work by 7pm (which is better than my customary 8 or 9pm departure)
- That meditation is actually scary, because before I am aware Im am in it, there is a feeling of total lack of control. But the head-spins and nausea I get during meditation is how my body manifests the anxiousness and I feel more focussed after meditation than before it.
- That I could actually get addicted to the endorphin rush I get after exercise. Sure I crash and burn with exhaustion, but the energetic bubbling mess of words and skipping and laughter that I am immediately after a gym session? I wish I could bottle that so that it lasts longer than an hour.
- Taking care of my soul, my physique, and my diet has flow on effects to include getting my hair done, dressing up more, dancing around my bedroom, finding insignificant things to celebrate ‘just because’, and yes… shes about to say it… more sex.


I realise these things may make you say ‘No shit’, and they’re things I probably already knew… but they were driven home for me after several weeks of ‘care’. That’s it… I didn’t push myself, I didn’t punish myself… I just ‘cared’. For me.

And now I have to spend this week getting back to it. To there. And to me.

No mean feat. My poor boyfriend has copped a hammering from my moods. I do try to be accommodating, but he shifts from being endearing, to a downright pain-in-the-ass. This is not because his behaviour has changed, but because the way I respond to him does. He goes about his merry way being fun and carefree and laidback but sometimes I find this liberating, other times… infuriating. I’m working on this. And when I say ‘this’, I mean how I react to his behaviour, not the behaviour itself. Im trying to be more ‘present’, that is, not allowing my past or preconditioning to influence my current behaviour.



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