Merry Christmas - A Love Letter

Here I am... Christmas Eve, with the need (desire?) to write a letter to my boyfriend to wish him a merry christmas.

And Im here. Wondering what the most important thing is that I have to tell him? I dont know...
Everything??
How much???

I could tell him that he has rescued my soul. But maybe thats too much.

I could tell him that he makes me smile at the oddest of times. But maybe thats not enough.

A large part of me wants to take him back to 2006, where my damaged and battered heart dragged itself through muck and grime... only to slip into a ditch of depression and addiction to the underbelly of life. But maybe he doesnt want to hear that.

A large part of me wants to leap with him into to the future, to show the both of us what we can and will be. But thats too much pressure. Possibly just for me.

A small part of me wants to hide. To wish it all away on a cloud. No love, no pain. No woman no cry... right??

A small part of me wants to lock him away. All to myself, where no one can touch him, I dont have to share him, and he belongs to me and only me.

So what do I write in my letter??

I love him. Of course.
But how do I describe how he has changed the course of my life? I havent altered my goals or ambitions, but my direction has changed. Its safer. Secure.

Im loved. To feel that is immeasurable. To know that another soul on this earth wants to merge with mine is indescribable.

I remember that moment when I realised. It was in the morning... we had woken up and I was just looking at him. Id known him barely a few weeks. But Id never felt so comfortable. I opened my mouth to speak... then shut it immediately. I knew what I was going to say. But I couldnt believe it. Really? Me?? So soon??
Obviously yes. But how had I let it happen!?! And then I was gripped by fear. But I looked at those big brown eyes, and stupidly long camel eyelashes and I was certain.
And then I had to wait. No point scaring the boy off so soon... right? So I had to wait many more weeks. So painful to NOT tell someone that you love them, when all you wanted to do was shower them with it.

And from that moment everything shifted. Paths changed, and they crossed. And we amazed each other. The 'click' is phenomenal. Imagine two drunken fools meeting in a bar, a man fueled by dutch courage, a women who couldnt care less about the man to cross her path... we swap numbers. And fell in love!? Fate picks wisely, no matter what the scenario. And my gratefulness for the chance meeting is something I can never repay. My life has changed for the better, without a doubt.

I cannot believe how much I miss this boy. Even when he gives me the total rotten shits, I still cannot bear to be apart from him for too long. He brings light and warmth into my day, and strength and hope into my nights. He brings stability to my rocking ship, and clarity to my clouded waters.

I have never met anyone like him in my entire life. My little engergizr bunny, he drives me to find happiness in the moment. To pursue the greatest thing in this life.... the NOW. There is no tomorrow... no yesterday. Only now. Only us. Only today. And he is the greatest teacher of experience over possesions. Of experience over status. All we have is this very moment... and he lives in it with me, right here and right now. And I love him uncontrollably for that.

Uncontrollably.

Like a freight train. A risk of derailing, no brakes here baby. Of course there is still fear. But there is no stopping it.


And ...there it is.
I think I just wrote my love letter.



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