Attention Span, the slut.

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Im feeling more than a little distracted lately. There is so much 'going on' that I feel like Im at the eye of a storm. Im standing within a very small tornado and everything is still. So still, and silent. Yet around me the wind roars, its swirls and roars and turns everything around me upside down. But inside at the core remains, its small, darkened by debris, and solitary. I can hear people outside my storm, theyre smiling and talking to me, we go places and we do things. I go to work and I exercise and I go to school, but everything is muffled.

I would like very much to see clearly beyond the turmoil right outside my very person. And Id like this because I have so much to look forward to, that I want to experience with every possible emotion and every inch of energy that I can muster.

A few months back Jim asked me to move in with him, in a place to rent all of our own. Initially I was excited, it seemed logical and perfectly timed, he was so adorably enthusiastic, and I wanted a change. Two weeks later I was in tears and he could not understand.** I was fearful of what could become. Our lives were so happy and smooth exactly as we were. Would we be tempting fate by taking the plunge, and would it upset our boat too much? I already had alot on my plate and holding a relationship together would not fit. Jim took it all in his stride, as he so often does, and looked at the whole scenario as just the next rung in the worlds 'most-awesome-est' ladder. He has never lived with a partner, where as I watched my last relationshop crumble, coming home to that man every day, and loving him just that little bit less every time. The universe knows that I did not want to go through that all again.

Jim held my hand while I ummm'd and ahhh'd. He shook his head in confusion, shrugged his shoulders to wait, and bit his tongue to stem the questions he wished to ask. Eventually, after much stern internal dialouge, I bit the bullet and agreed that it was the right move. It wasnt fair to lump him into the same package as a failed relationship from years prior, at a time when I was a much different person, not to mention dating a much different person.

Today I feel the little buzz when I realise how close we are to moving in. The collection of keys is 72 hours away (who's counting??) and our home is all ready to move in. We are all packed, and waiting for the onset of the weekend so that we can do it! The floor plans are in my head, I know what I want to go where, Im planning furniture purchases, and colours, and styles. Jim jokes on how Ive done such a backflip from FREAKOUT to nesting. Oh I hate that word... 'Nesting'. Im not nesting... Its just my design background coming forth. Or am I? I have to admit that the interior design is not the only thing Im thinking about. Im thinking about entertaining, and having guests, and where the nearest kitsch cafe is, and cooking dinners, and how long it will take me to ride Audrey (my bicycle) to the beach.

I am excited. Im crazy excited, and as the days pass I just wish for it to happen today, yesterday even.

In early March I wished for something very far away. I wished to have my family close by. And it was the only thing I wished for in all of that week. I wish alot, if you werent already aware. Financially I am in no position to fly to the other side of Australia to see the people, and the home and even the pets I miss the most. Only days after posting that wish, and that image, my mum contacted me. Flights were very cheap to Perth at the moment, and would I like to fly over and house-sit for a week while they went to Queensland? Heck yes! So mum brought me a ticket and and even extended it by a day, so that I could see them, sit with them, and talk about important shit, but also bullshit, as Ive so missed.

These two things take up most of my daily excitement (as my work is no longer stimulating and exciting as it once was - but that is a whole other matter) and distract me no end. Sometimes I find myself trying to forget that they are happening so that I can focus on the now... on my assignments due tomorrow, the tasks due by the end of this week. Is it fair to do that to myself? I dont know. Trying to block out all the interesting things that are coming up, so that I can get the crap out of the way first? Is this even a good way to look at it?

Im tired. Really I am. I see myself in the mirror most mornings and Im convinced Ive given up. And I do truly look tired, but not in such a way like a late night on the turps... moreso that I look beyond my years (without the wisdom), and some days are worse than others. Sometimes, the things I do are with such vigour, frantic, but for only a short while. Other things, I do not even attempt at all. My work is suffering, my university studies too. My attention span wanes as often as she pleases. She gets up to take coffee breaks and smoke-o breaks and the dirty trashbag has a regular secret rendevous with the guy down the hall... his name is Distraction. She goes off on little jaunts when she is meant to be dedicated to a task. And once she is gone, nothing can bring her back until she chooses. Sometimes the little tramp is gone for days with Distraction.

And I need a chastity belt for her, because Ive tried everything else that I can think of.

I keep thinking that I'll just wait for this thing, this task, or event, or habit, to pass me by.... and then things will be back to normal. But what is normal? This doesnt feel like normal, so it cant be. But Ive been waiting so long for everything to 'get out of my way', for me to exit the tornado, that Im not sure if normal really exists (or if the tornado does), or what it feels like when Ive found it.

**I do this, sometimes.